shane & shane – without you

loving this song right now.


stirred up grief.

If there was ever a blessing behind the curse of grief, the sneaky kind that stalks and pounces on you at the last minute, it’s that you can know you’re one step closer to really learning something, and can understand the suffering of Christ on a more real and deeper level than ever before.

“Suffering is redemptive, beautiful, meaningful and very important to the Christian life. It shouldn’t be avoided, but instead consecrated to Christ.”
-Audrey Assad

This song she wrote is beautiful.

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I’ll illuminate the path You’ve laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

-Audrey Assad – Show Me

we are not done yet.

Here are just a sampling of the crazy thoughts/lies that combine themselves together on “I quit” periods of my life:

Germany does things too weird
The military is so ridiculous I was not made to be involved in it
I’m too tired to go on
My club talk sucked
I suck
Kids aren’t listening
The spiritual oppression is too heavy
I’m not having any impact
I hate winter
I am never going to catch up
I’m overwhelmed
All my friends have left me
I have nothing left to give
What’s the point of staying here
I’m the Worst Community Director Ever
I don’t know what I’m doing
I cannot say another goodbye
I cannot give myself to another hurting soul, there’s too many
These kids are too far gone to be saved (this is the most ridiculous/Satanic one)
The commissary is out of holiday coffee creamers
If I have to pay one more parking ticket I’ll have to sleep in the street
Which leads into…
God where ARE you?

None of these things are truth, obviously, except for the coffee creamer thing. As I was getting ready to head to staff conference it was honestly a big “I quit” week, but that day was a typical day, I was rushing around packing at the last minute, standing in my bathroom straightening my hair while drinking White Chocolate Macadamia Nut coffee (the closest I can get to holiday creamers). Brandon Heath’s new CD was playing, and the first song was great song based on what Jesus says in Matthew 9, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.” All of the sudden it stopped being a song and started being God’s words and this line struck me deep:

The Master is calling, we are not done yet.

There are few times in my life where God speaks and physically brings me to my knees. It feels like someone is pushing you down by your shoulders or like you just lost all feeling in your legs. A good punch in the gut of WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? GET YOURSELF TOGETHER. DO YOU NOT SEE ME? I GOT THIS. FIGHT, BECAUSE I’M FIGHTING WITH YOU. TRUST ME EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES. I SEE YOUR HARD WORK. KEEP GOING. -Love, God.

I mean, sometimes he sounds like that, for real.

Then once I got to the Club Beyond staff conference, God continued speaking. Our international director was the speaker. He is a phenomenal dad and has two adorable little daughters that he always talks about. This time he talked about a time he asked his daughter to clean her room, but she broke down, overwhelmed, and cried in childlike desperation,

“Daddy, I can’t do it. I’m not old enough.”

We laugh, but don’t we feel that way sometimes? We get exhausted and out of sheer desperation, at the end of our rope, like a child, we cry to God,

Daddy, I can’t do it. I’m not old enough.

In the story, instead of lecturing, punishing, or forcing her to clean, he said:

“Take my hand, and let’s go do this, together.”

I hate, hate, hate asking for help.
Sometimes reaching up and taking his hand is the hardest. Thing. Ever. I’d rather swat it away and do overwhelming tasks by myself.
Sometimes simply admitting, Daddy, I can’t do it. I’m not old enough is the hardest thing ever. I’d rather keep my pride and say, Hey, I got this, I’m not tired, I’m not exhausted, I’m awesome.

But his strong and clear message is, we are not done yet.
And then I realize, where is he? …he never left. He was just patiently waiting for me to reach my little hand up into his big strong one, and say, like a child to their daddy, I need your help.

“so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
    it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
    and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”
-Isaiah 55:11

jesus in disguise (brandon heath)

Jesus in Disguise

Ever get something in your head
It’s nothing you’ve heard, or something you’ve read
Ever had a cut, but you never saw a blade
Brought to your knees, but you never prayed

Jesus in disguise
Jehovah passing by
The burden of a tear
Hanging in your eye
Jesus in disguise
A scar across the sky
You were looking for a king
You would never recognize
Jesus in disguise

Ever feel like you’ve been somewhere before
You hold the key, you know which door
Speak the word your lips have never known
Because your heart told you so


So open my eyes, wide as I can
Blind as I am, blind as I am
So open my eyes as wide as I can
Blind as I am, blind as I am

Jesus in disguise
Jesus in disguise